Noticing Signs and Helping

I'm going to attempt to rewrite something I worked on earlier but lost thanks to the horrid Blogger app. Here goes:

There are people in the world you love like crazy and it sucks when they let you down. Whether it's a selfish behavior, a condescending tone, or just not having your back, these behaviors can leave an already wounded person confused and at a loss for where to go.

I've been very busy, had a severe break from reality, and have been working on art pieces that deal with mental health. Today I had the opportunity to do a much needed pattern interrupt. This would have been at no cost to me and come with a host of benefits: vitamin D, a change in scenery, ability to complete my photography homework, etc. This was important to me and I did not get to go. Before I go into what happened, let me explain about pattern interrupts and about people who leave long term mental health care.

A pattern interrupt is just what it sounds like. It is something to break up the monotony of routine. This is a device especially useful for people suffering bouts of depression. When a pattern is mindless, it allows people to dwell and inadvertently exacerbate their depression. Changing one behavior forces the brain- and thereby all the chemicals- to adjust. Even if it is still the wrong chemical, the change on chemicals can help lift one out of a depressive and emotionally vulnerable state.

How did I learn all this awesomeness? I spent seven months in a long term treatment facility in 2011. When I left, I compiled a wellness recovery action plan or WRAP for short. The plan was given to three people who were even verified by my doctor and signed the document upon receipt.

In the plan are many useful tools for helping your friend or loved one during serious phases of mental and emotional distress. This includes doctors that have cared for them, medicines that work, medicines that don't, triggers, warning signs of behavioral changes, diets that help, calling techniques the person has successfully used, smells, pictures, so much information...

So, I live with one of the people who has a WRAP manual. I generally count on this person to have my back, support me, help me when I need it. I have been in a very dark place these past few months. I have been on the verge of suicide. At one point, I even asked to be driven to the hospital in my car because my hallucinations were bad and I was too afraid to drive. I was told to sleep it off.

I have been informed by another WRAP owner, that this person has never read the book. This person, whom I care for dearly, didn't even bother to learn about my illness and the warning signs. Okay, I know what many of you are thinking: you're a grown up, help yourself. Why don't you just feel better? Aren't you responsible for your own health?

Fair questions. Let me respond.

Yes, at the very root of it, I am responsible for my own health. Part of me being responsible was letting people around me know the warning signs. I liken it to a diabetic having her friends notice her shaking and telling her to check her insulin levels. Noticing one thing could potentially save someone you love. Letting my loved ones know was my attempt at securing the help I need even faster instead of waiting until it was too late. You would help someone who broke their leg, right? I had a break from reality.

And contrary to popular belief, mental illness is real. People with asthma can't think their airways clear, people with cancer aren't being dramatic, people with the flu aren't doing it for attention. Quit saying that about my brain. It is also an organ and capable of sickness.

So, back to today.

I had a friend of mine offer just what I was needed (see pattern interrupt above) and I said yes. Person one decided I couldn't because we always have the same plans Thursdays and I can't just cancel. There was even a mini guilt trip. Okay. This is important to you. Fine. I'm confused.

It's okay. I won't commit suicide today and I have my tattoo to thank for it. I have to believe every single day that I'm going to be okay.

I had a stranger walk up to me Tuesday evening and said she saw that I looked lost.. I wasn't crying or pouting, I was standing next to my car. She gave me a hug. She said, "it's okay."

I was shocked. This stranger reminded me that there is hope. We can help each other. We should help each other.

I believe I will move on.
I believe I will find a group of people that care about others instead of just taking from others.
I believe that mental illness can be treated.
I believe that we need to talk about it more and educate people about early symptoms.
I believe I will make it out alive.

My illness doesn't define me but how you react to my illness says a lot about you. Educate yourselves. It could save a life.

Time to Just Be Me

Fig. 1 happy Mimi

The past year has been and interesting one, to say the least. Many good thing have happened: my band got steady gig, met some... interesting... people, found out I am to be an aunt, and I had an amazing first fund-raiser for Pin-ups in Paradise.

All this aside, I also got into an accident, got arrested (long story there), had a mini break down, had three deaths in two months time, and quit my job. Well, the last thing is actually very positive, but we'll get to that later.

Here I am, though, and I am happy. Happier than I have been in a loooooong while.

Fig. 2 amazing series of faces I did in
conjunction with Gemini Photography 

How is this possible? Because I am still free to be me.

I still get to create, I still get to make music, I still get to choose how I live, I still have the chance to do exactly what I want. The main difference is now I have the time to do it. No excuses. Shit or get off the pot.

The biggest surprise is... it's working. I have never felt more confident, more secure, or more successful.

Bad Day, Good Day

Days like today, I find myself looking for a way out, an escape hatch, an eject button. The brain overpowers the senses and all one is left with is a sense of utter chaos and complete lack of control. It is a blind free fall: tumbling, rolling, with no sense of ground closing in on you.

The tumult in ones brain is something you assume you get used to as the years progress. You kind of do, in a sense, or I wouldn't be writing this now... but the truth is, mental illness gets worse as you age. So, yeah, you know the break is coming, but you never know if it is going to be worse than last time. 

Today, it was a pretty bad day. I had an incident trigger my PTSD last night and I feel a bit misunderstood and violated. I also have been dealing with more noise than normal in my head, so it was hard for me to focus on ANYTHING today. I didn't even hear the crossing-guards whistle while driving to work. Poor kids. I slammed on my brakes pretty hard. Luckily no one was hurt.

Where is the good in this? Well, the good is I know it will pass. It always does. I know that. Right now, in this moment, the seconds feel endless, the emotions are too much, the noise is overbearing and invasive, the panic is all too real. It has too pass, though. There is that hope. That is why I have the reminder on my wrist. For days like today. It is my reminder that it will be okay.  It will be all right. I just have to believe.

The Music in my Soul

I love making music and listening to music.  It has always been such a part of me. From growing  up singing, violin lessons, practicing on my mom's bass in middle school, singing on scholarship (classical voice) in college amd finally picking up my electric guitar... it has always been one of my many outlets. Sure, I leave it from time to time, but I always come back. It's like a drug: euphoric, melodic, sensory in so many ways. The tactile sensations, auditory stimulations, the freedom.

For a while, I didn't even want to play the guitar I got so many years ago. More than twelve years later and it is road worn and scarred. Now, I can't imagine NOT owning it. It is too much a part of who I am. I may not be great, but I have fun and I have heart.

It has always been a constant in my life. Music is a universal language. It is math in all its glory. It crosses millenia and continents. It really is an amazing thing.

Now, I find myself in another band playing a genre I have always loved and finally get to create. Good old fashioned rock and roll. Roots American. Rockabilly, if you will. Songs that make me dance and tap my toes and make me feel young. It seems strange that I can vary my musical tastes so wildly and still find so much pleasure in all of it. Next up? Maybe a salsa band? Perhaps a tribal drum group? Roots reggae? Whatever it is, I will rock out and have a ball. I will do it as only I can: with passion.

All Work and No Play

I work a lot. Sometimes I miss the days when I painted to my little heart's desire. I will return to that one day, but I suppose I am contented with my current employment. It affords me little luxuries like a day in St. John, fancy dinner, a night out here and there, and I continue to live in paradise. There are days, like today, when I want nothing more than to walk out and proudly declare, "forget this noise!" I have to catch myself and be reminded of why I am putting up with it.

Just a little longer... then I can go back to my art business and focus on being ME again. I just have to remind myself that this is the necessary means to that ultimate goal.

How do you handle job related stress?

Back in Action

Woohoo!!! Finally am back online and ready to resume posting soon. Keep your eyes here!

Blirthday Video....

Living MY Life

This isn't going to be a fancy post with lots of pictures or anything. This is just a post about things I need to voice and record in the off chance I forget how I feel right now. 

For the first time in a long time, I have control over me. It is an odd sensation because for so long I had to think about how my actions and decisions would affect someone else. Now, I only worry about how they will affect me. It's so raw and exposed and free. It's akin to dancing naked in the breeze. 

At first I was really hesitant about the new way my life was going. Could I do it? Was I capable of surviving this? Would I find happiness on my own? The answer surprised me: HELL YES.

I didn't know I could do it. I was so lost and scared. Now, though, I see it. I am more than capable of surviving: I am THRIVING and it is fantastic. I am doing well in so many aspects of my life all of a sudden. New found friends with amazing lives of their own fill my head with warm and fascinating and inspiring stories. They have all helped me be more attuned to the creative side I had put away for so long. 

My music has become less technically minded and more an expression of me. Anyone can sing a pretty note, but to convey raw emotion is such power.

My art will be so different now. Canvases that I had started and planned now I look at with a totally different end product in mind. 

My laugh is finally free. I smile. A lot. Since when? When I was little, my mother always told me to smile more. Hey, Mom, I'm smiling and I have been doing it a lot lately. I knew I was always a happy person. I just needed the right amount of light to grow and show my true colors. I am not living in some shadow anymore. I can feel the sun and it feels amazing.

Feeling Home

This has been a heck of a year for me and last week didn't help. For those of you that do not already know, my house got burglarized. Kind of. Yes, some stuff was taken, but it felt like more of a vandalism. Things opened. Like an inventory was taken. Things like this normally don't bother me, but I don't have a whole lot left these days in the way of material things. I have very little and what is mine is just that: mine.

Fig. 1 The Hierarchy of Needs

Breaking into a car doesn't bother me, purse snatching even, as those are both deeply impersonal. To come into someones place of residence, though, knowing when they are not there, seeing photos, rummaging through personal belongings: that's invasive. I have had a hard enough time these past few months trying to feel like I have a place to call home and that was shattered. Abraham Maslow may have been onto something. My physiological needs are barely met- I am failing at the sleep thing and now my security feels insanely threatened. I miss my doggy. She made me feel safe.

So now I want a new home. Someplace where I feel secure, safe, healthy, and happy. A home isn't the walls or furnishings, it's how you feel when you are there. I feel at home in my art studio. I feel happy and at ease. I haven't felt home at the place I live except for when my two besties were there and we were cooking together. I have just felt like it was a place to shower and keep my clothes.

Fig. 2 Me and my besties

I am in dire need for shelter and having a home. I am working on it. I know I will be successful because even with all the chaos in my life, I have been happy with me for the first time in a long time. I like the person I have become and I know I can do this. For now, it's just scary and lonely but I am strong. Sort of having an inverse on the hierarchy.

How far along up your needs are you? Where do you feel most "at home?"

For the Love of...

People often ask why I run myself the way I do. Why do I do so much? Why am I a science blogger? When did I become a musician? Why did I add radio? Do I like being cellular tech support?

 I wear myself out.

A lot.

But I do it for a lot of reasons. I do it for love:

for the love of butterflies...

and secret beaches...

for Floyd...

for the hidden beauty of the unfinished canvas...

for hurt and pain and becoming the monkey on his back...

 

for lights and productions and music...

for bacon and good times at Betsy's with new faces and old friends.

But mostly, I do it for me.

I do it because even though sometimes I feel my world falling apart, I know that there is always something else, someone else, someplace else, some new adventure just around the corner. I do it because I love. So much.


What keeps you motivated?

Wildlife Pictures

Ever since I was younger I wanted to be a wildlife film-maker or photographer. That is part of the reason I started Potspoon! a few years back. It was supposed to have more videos, but also gave me a chance to flex my science writing skills and post some of the amazing pictures my husband and I have had the fortune of taking these past six or so years.

In the picture above, for example, I am stoked to be so close to a wild buffalo. I am glad my husband had the digital as I am rarely in any of our outdoors photos. The camera in my hand is a 35 mm camera because it just takes that good of pictures. I love the opportunity to take pictures of any sort of wildlife. My husband is excellent at flora and I take care of the fauna. It's a good match.

There is something absolutely magical about seeing an animal in the wild up close. There is a mutual respect that passes through you and the animal, as cheesy as that may sound. I know that a buffalo is capable of amazing ground speeds and could trample me. I have to respect that but also show that I do not intend to harm in return. My healthy fear and respect for the majesty of nature has allowed me some fantastic shots through the years and makes me want to learn more of the intricacies of photography.I'm ok with the SLR I have but really want to learn to better apply f/stop and shutter speed settings. Experimenting with them is one thing, but I want to step it up for sure! Mother Nature deserves a professional approach. Anyone can set things to certain settings and have the camera do all the work.

I suppose that is why I like my camera. It only does so much for me. I can't doctor or edit the photos easily. I can't take 100 photos and pick out the best ones. Well, I could, but it would be expensive and cost me lots of film and time. You have to make every shot count. Using a camera without all the fancy settings has made a better photographer and I can't wait to learn more.

What's your secret hobby?

My buddy posted some great picts of my band at our last show. We are so high energy normally that this picture really stood out. Tom and I look so mellow and in sync in this photo. Kudos to iPhones apparently.

HECTIC!

I was writing my calendar out for the next two weeks and I realized I am pretty much done for. The closest thing I have to a day off coming up is the day after a concert I am doing. I think I may be able to sleep. Sheesh. Really, I should do laundry that day. I should also maybe paint stuff. Oh well. I am going to be a slacker and take my day off as I can. I don't really have one til sometime in April! Who knew this could be such a busy time of year?

How are you guys holding up?

Milky Challenges

I drank soy milk. Copious amounts. It wasn't because I am lactose intolerant (I'm not), or because I am vegan (hello, bacon!), but merely because the majority of the milk on St. Thomas is overpriced and gross. Really. I am talking $7-10 a gallon. Yup. It's true. Occasionally you can buy the St. Thomas dairies milk for like $5.99, but it is gross and tastes like the reconstituted milk it is. Nick and I bought Parmalat and other UHT milk products for a while. Good product, nice on an island with frequent outages, and about the same price as the crap sold in the refrigerated section of the store.

Soy milk is a tad cheaper per quart so I started buying it for my self. It's odd that soy milk would be cheaper than regular milk, but there you have it. I drank soy milk religiously for a good 5 years. Oh the flavors! Yummy (you gotta know the brands), creamy (which is such a bad description since there is NO cream), and super healthy. It has tons of protein, which I crave a lot, so I was happy there. Lots of calcium was also a plus so I became addicted. What I was blind to was the fact that soy has really high levels of phyto-estrogen. This is all well and good for normal people who have normal hormonal levels, but not for me. Add to this the fact that I also really love tofu, veggie burgers, steamed soy beans, soy sauce, soy nuts, and probably inadvertently eat soy as an additive in many things and you got a LOT of excess estrogen. For someone with already high levels like me, that is not good. Well, not HORRID, but not pretty.

I thought I was just cursed with adult acne. Then I read up on soy and got to thinking. I went soy free three months ago as an experiment. No soy lecithin, nothing. My face looks awesome. I always broke out in the "estrogen zone" around my mouth and cheeks. Nothing. My periods aren't as vicious. I just feel good. It's odd. I didn't change anything else except my soy intake. As someone with a strong science background, I can run an experiment pretty well. There were no other changes. I still drink a lot more than I should, but nowhere near the amounts most drink here on island. I stay out late a lot. I still use the same soap, detergent, etc. It's great. The down? I still need a milk substitute.
Today I tried rice milk. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was kinda dry. I don't know how that makes sense since it is a liquid, but it was. Just dry. Also, well, it tastes like rice. Maybe it was the brand: Rice Dream. I had okay luck with the Soy Dream in the past so I gave it a shot. My favorite soy products are Vitasoy and Natura Soy (super yummy strawberry tastes like Nesquick). Maybe the fact that I had it with Special-K (rice cereal) didn't help. I dunno. I will try it later with some cookies or some Nesquick (don't hate).

WOW! This post is getting long! Anyway, now I am asking for your help. Is there a good rice milk product available? Almond milk is a tad too expensive. Any other suggestions? Maybe I should just raise milk goats.

Fast Forward

Sometimes things go horribly wrong. Really. Just plain bad. At certain times I feel like I just want to skip ahead to the good stuff. A few people in my life are having a rough time of it and it is unintentionally affecting me as well. I wish I knew with certainty that it will all get better, but I don't. What I do know is that I will continue to support in any way possible. It is all I can and will do. Even if we did skip ahead to the fancy job and the stable relationship, what good would it really do? Part of being wounded is the scar tissue that builds. A little tougher than normal, more resilient. I think this "toughness" is worth it. While I would love everything to be fun and sunny for all, the reality is we need those tough times to appreciate the good times more. It helps keep things in perspective.

I can't save everyone (even though I try at my own expense quite a bit) but I can help them see that even though it seems hopeless, a lot of that emotion is emanating from you. As hokey and superficial as it sounds, we truly are our own worst enemies and if I can help someone else realize that, it was worth it. I just want everyone to be happy. The anger and bitterness is unnecessary. I saw a really good post on Facebook the other day. "Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it is more like a single coin: you only get one, so spend it wisely." Too true!

In the words of the Dalai Lama, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

What keeps you grounded?

Rockstar

Ok, so I'm not really a rockstar, but I definitely am pretending to be. Aside from the crazy amount of painting and shows I have been doing, which are going great by the way, I auditioned for a hard rock band. Very different from the chic rock, folksy stuff I do on my own. One person in the band was pretty sure that he did not want a female in the band because he did not want the band to be "chic rock."

Well, I must've done something right because I have gone to two practices already and the band is very excited. We all have a lot of positive energy and agree on a bit, which is really surprising. I'm finally using my electric. When you are a one person show, doing metal songs alone is silly, so you do campfire acoustic sessions. Having a band makes such a difference. The band website is here. We are reworking a bit on it. I hope I can keep up though. The guys are such awesome musicians, but I already see myself improving my knowledge of guitar. It's so nice.

The art shows are doing great as well. It's kinda funny, because when I was really young, I told Mom that I would live someplace beachy, do science during the day, art for tourists, and play music on the weekends all in cutoffs and flip-flops. Well, I do write about science on Potspoon!, I definitely do art for tourists, and now I do music too! Oh yeah, and I live in paradise. Not the EXACT dream I had, but, this is pretty close to living it, I must say. Now all I need is a Vespa and I'm set! ;)
So that is what's keeping me busy, well, that and Floyd... What's new with you guys?

So Rested!

What a great week off! Nick and I are so relaxed now and we got some much needed errands out of the way. I even got my kayak back! I was devastated when I sold it. The new owner didn't really need it, as he has another, so was willing to sell it back to me. I am so glad to be out on the water with it once again!

I also started playing the game Assassin's Creed
to ready myself for the sequel. Also, FYE was having a really good sale on some movies and I bought a Kubrick boxed set for cheap and got Fiddler on the Roof for $7! For those of you that don't know, I am a gamer geek and LOVE LOVE LOVE musicals! Even more, West Side Story and Fiddler on the Roof are my two favorites. Now I have them both.

And the Winner is....

Me!

I'm in shock. I have to cheat at Go Fish to win. It's sad. I actually won. So what did I win? This nifty bento USB drive. It's 2 gigs! It's got food! I'm a happy girl. So how did I acquire this nifty prize? It started a long time ago. Oh yes, I am going way back. You see, when I was younger I hated boring lunches. I was always packing myself really quirky lunches of the style Sailor Jupiter did on Sailor Moon. I didn't know that it was called an obento, or bento lunch. I just liked it. There is a lot lost in the English translation of Japanese animated shows. Once I did know, I became obsessed with bento boxes and anything to do with bentos.

Fast forward a few years to the point where blogs entered the scene. I had looked on the internet for bento sites and most were in Japanese. No help. Then there was a trickle, small at first, of bento enthusiast coming on to the scene. Cooking Cute was great while it lasted. A little more decorative than I wanted, but awesome and worth the look. Lunch in a Box is gigantic now compared to when I started reading it. Then there was Pikko's site. Adventures in Bentomaking was a simple blogger blog just like mine when it started. I was immediately attracted to her site because she mixed the simplicity I needed with cute touches I could handle. Her photos are awesome, too. She is honestly one of the few bento blogs I read regularly and there are tons of them now. It's very popular. Anyway, back to the contest.

Pikko has contests. I never win them, but it is always nice to participate. This one was no different. I leave comments occasionally anyway so it's not like I am saving myself from lurkerdom or something. However, I HAD to win this contest. The minute I saw it, it was meant to be. The question posed was great. I had a solid answer. I love USB gadgetry. I am a geek in the end. Luckily, Random.org was on my side. Then came the post. I had won. Where was I? Who knows. It took me a week to reply. That is what I get for slacking. I'm just so thrilled though. I can't wait! Woohoo! I will post pictures when I get it!

Update on the Show

On Tuesday, I set up shop (or is it table?) for the first time with the "Roadshow" as they call themselves. Tuesdays there are two shows, in the mornings at Bluebeard's Beach Club, and at night at Marriott Frenchman's Reef. My husband works at the Marriott so this could work out! However, it is off season here and the Marriott show is the money show so everyone shows up and there is no more room. I opted for the morning show at the Beach Club. The sun was shining, the water was crystal blue, the ants were biting.

The hotel does a beach party on Tuesdays for guests. It includes lunch and music and us artists set up a few tables. There were only 5 of the 16 artists present. Only 12 people came to the party. I sold two things! Not to bad considering it was my first time and there were people who didn't sell anything. I am really excited! I am waiting for my tablecloth to be complete so I can do more shows. I think I will do the Beach Club and Bolongo for now. Artist belonging to the Roadshow can set up tables at Bolongo Bay's Caribbean party on Wednesday evening. They have moko jumbies, steel pan, and all sorts of cool stuff. I think, until season starts, these two are at least the most entertaining. When season rolls around, we also have shows at a few other locations on island and by then, I should have painted enough to be able to do at least four shows a week.

I'm babbling a bit, but I am really excited. I think this could really work out. Funny thing though, is I didn't even sell a bag, I sold some of my minis! The picture to the left is my hubby at the Beach Club (locals call it Lime Tree) beach two years ago. Sorry for the bad quality, it is a scan of an actual picture. You know, 35mm film? :oD Not to bad of a place to spend a few hours though. Not really work at all!

No More!

Last night I went to see Inglorious Basterds. Yes, that is how it's spelled. I was enjoying it until the end. Then it lost it's luster. To top it off, earlier in the day the hubs and I had a marathon of Nazi Zombies which is actually a bonus game in Call of Duty: World at War.

It's official. I'm Nazied out. While I do get a perverse pleasure that I am offing pixelated Nazi zombies (or pixelated non-zombie Nazis in many cases), between the hours spent playing the game and the hours spent watching Brad Pitt carve swastikas in peoples heads to mark them Nazis, I'm done. I have no more in me for at least another week. If not longer.

I over did it. I know. I have no one to blame except for me. Well, my husband, too. He is addicted to zombie killing and begs me to help since I am so great at FPS. FPS, by the way, is gamer geek slang for first person shooters. Think games like the Call of Duty franchise and the Halo franchise. Still got nothing?! Well, I guess I let my true geeky colors show. All I know is I must stay away from anything WWII related for a while. It's pretty hard to do since the background noise for me posting is Nick playing said game online. Someone save me from myself! :D