Days like today, I find myself looking for a way out, an escape hatch, an eject button. The brain overpowers the senses and all one is left with is a sense of utter chaos and complete lack of control. It is a blind free fall: tumbling, rolling, with no sense of ground closing in on you.
The tumult in ones brain is something you assume you get used to as the years progress. You kind of do, in a sense, or I wouldn't be writing this now... but the truth is, mental illness gets worse as you age. So, yeah, you know the break is coming, but you never know if it is going to be worse than last time.
Today, it was a pretty bad day. I had an incident trigger my PTSD last night and I feel a bit misunderstood and violated. I also have been dealing with more noise than normal in my head, so it was hard for me to focus on ANYTHING today. I didn't even hear the crossing-guards whistle while driving to work. Poor kids. I slammed on my brakes pretty hard. Luckily no one was hurt.
Where is the good in this? Well, the good is I know it will pass. It always does. I know that. Right now, in this moment, the seconds feel endless, the emotions are too much, the noise is overbearing and invasive, the panic is all too real. It has too pass, though. There is that hope. That is why I have the reminder on my wrist. For days like today. It is my reminder that it will be okay. It will be all right. I just have to believe.