Time to Just Be Me

Fig. 1 happy Mimi

The past year has been and interesting one, to say the least. Many good thing have happened: my band got steady gig, met some... interesting... people, found out I am to be an aunt, and I had an amazing first fund-raiser for Pin-ups in Paradise.

All this aside, I also got into an accident, got arrested (long story there), had a mini break down, had three deaths in two months time, and quit my job. Well, the last thing is actually very positive, but we'll get to that later.

Here I am, though, and I am happy. Happier than I have been in a loooooong while.

Fig. 2 amazing series of faces I did in
conjunction with Gemini Photography 

How is this possible? Because I am still free to be me.

I still get to create, I still get to make music, I still get to choose how I live, I still have the chance to do exactly what I want. The main difference is now I have the time to do it. No excuses. Shit or get off the pot.

The biggest surprise is... it's working. I have never felt more confident, more secure, or more successful.

Silly Things

Felt like I should post this:


Made me giggle uncontrollably for hours. It really is the little things. That's what made my day, how was yours?

All Work and No Play

I work a lot. Sometimes I miss the days when I painted to my little heart's desire. I will return to that one day, but I suppose I am contented with my current employment. It affords me little luxuries like a day in St. John, fancy dinner, a night out here and there, and I continue to live in paradise. There are days, like today, when I want nothing more than to walk out and proudly declare, "forget this noise!" I have to catch myself and be reminded of why I am putting up with it.

Just a little longer... then I can go back to my art business and focus on being ME again. I just have to remind myself that this is the necessary means to that ultimate goal.

How do you handle job related stress?

A Little Inspired

I hope you all have a fantastic day and realized just how lucky you really are. Today can be a great day if you let it.
Love you all!

More Happiness Out of Doors

Yesterday , I was fortunate enough to get to do an outing. I was invited to go with a group to aid in making an archway at the entrance of a nature preserve. The Blue Heron Nature Preserve, to be exact. This was just the sort of outing I needed. A bit of exercise, some fresh air, wildlife, sunshine, and running water made for a more mentally relaxing day. A contrast to today. The post needs no more words. Here are a few pictures.

Invasive Ivy I spent most of the morning yanking out

Really big ants!

People staring at the Wisteria vines we used.

Nancy Creek

Lunch by the water.

Head Change and Bad Psychotherapy

So many of you may have wondered where I went off to and why... and some of you may not have noticed at all. Good.


Good thing about where I am and what I am doing is I am learning a lot. A LOT! My happiness is something that I never take for granted. I look for happiness in very simple places and allow simple things to bring me joy. I don't always get the results I want, but it isn't for lack of effort. In fact, it is mainly due to weird messed up chemicals in my head. Things may be going great and nothing is wrong, but lo! I am crying! What the hell?

In case you missed the memo: yours truly is bipolar. It is an illness like any other. Some days I feel fine. Other days I feel like death. Like diabetes, I can do certain things to control it as much as possible, but every now and then things decide to go haywire without warning and that is that. It is what it is.

So where was I going with this? Oh yeah... I am on a retreat, of sorts. Trying something out. There are lots of classes involved. I like it so far.

First thing I learned: no one is allowed to devalue your emotions. They are a completely personal and subjective state. What is important to one, may not be to another... but no one has the right to say how you feel is silly or worthless. At all. Our life experiences, our values, our beliefs and thought processes are unique to us as individuals and help mold our responses to things. If someone tries to tell you that how you feel or believe is wrong: they're wrong. Find someone else to talk to and if it is a psychotherapist: hire someone else fast.

It is true that perhaps our reasoning may be flawed, but how we feel is just that. Helping someone talk out why they feel that way or discovering that the heightened sense of emotion may be irrational to a degree, but you aren't wrong for feeling. It isn't silly or ridiculous. How you REACT to those feelings may be wrong, but the feeling itself is a unique and personal experience and only you know why you feel the way you do.

In my case, sometimes I feel for no reason at all. Even that isn't a silly reason. It is still a very real emotional state.

Remember that next time you and your friends are having a disagreement. Unless the disagreement is based on SOLID evidence (i.e. the year Marylin Monroe was born), or a moral/legal issue (like drug use), it may just be a battle of feelings hurt.You both may feel that you are right emotionally, but it is just that. An emotion. Don't take that away from the other person. It is what makes us human (even though I am one of those weirdos that think animals convey emotion well, too). Even if you agree to disagree, at no point are you okay to lessen someone else's emotional response.

That is all for today. I think I just need to chronicle my learning and recovery so that I don't forget it. Teaching is the best way of learning for someone like me. Smile!

Living MY Life

This isn't going to be a fancy post with lots of pictures or anything. This is just a post about things I need to voice and record in the off chance I forget how I feel right now. 

For the first time in a long time, I have control over me. It is an odd sensation because for so long I had to think about how my actions and decisions would affect someone else. Now, I only worry about how they will affect me. It's so raw and exposed and free. It's akin to dancing naked in the breeze. 

At first I was really hesitant about the new way my life was going. Could I do it? Was I capable of surviving this? Would I find happiness on my own? The answer surprised me: HELL YES.

I didn't know I could do it. I was so lost and scared. Now, though, I see it. I am more than capable of surviving: I am THRIVING and it is fantastic. I am doing well in so many aspects of my life all of a sudden. New found friends with amazing lives of their own fill my head with warm and fascinating and inspiring stories. They have all helped me be more attuned to the creative side I had put away for so long. 

My music has become less technically minded and more an expression of me. Anyone can sing a pretty note, but to convey raw emotion is such power.

My art will be so different now. Canvases that I had started and planned now I look at with a totally different end product in mind. 

My laugh is finally free. I smile. A lot. Since when? When I was little, my mother always told me to smile more. Hey, Mom, I'm smiling and I have been doing it a lot lately. I knew I was always a happy person. I just needed the right amount of light to grow and show my true colors. I am not living in some shadow anymore. I can feel the sun and it feels amazing.

Feeling Home

This has been a heck of a year for me and last week didn't help. For those of you that do not already know, my house got burglarized. Kind of. Yes, some stuff was taken, but it felt like more of a vandalism. Things opened. Like an inventory was taken. Things like this normally don't bother me, but I don't have a whole lot left these days in the way of material things. I have very little and what is mine is just that: mine.

Fig. 1 The Hierarchy of Needs

Breaking into a car doesn't bother me, purse snatching even, as those are both deeply impersonal. To come into someones place of residence, though, knowing when they are not there, seeing photos, rummaging through personal belongings: that's invasive. I have had a hard enough time these past few months trying to feel like I have a place to call home and that was shattered. Abraham Maslow may have been onto something. My physiological needs are barely met- I am failing at the sleep thing and now my security feels insanely threatened. I miss my doggy. She made me feel safe.

So now I want a new home. Someplace where I feel secure, safe, healthy, and happy. A home isn't the walls or furnishings, it's how you feel when you are there. I feel at home in my art studio. I feel happy and at ease. I haven't felt home at the place I live except for when my two besties were there and we were cooking together. I have just felt like it was a place to shower and keep my clothes.

Fig. 2 Me and my besties

I am in dire need for shelter and having a home. I am working on it. I know I will be successful because even with all the chaos in my life, I have been happy with me for the first time in a long time. I like the person I have become and I know I can do this. For now, it's just scary and lonely but I am strong. Sort of having an inverse on the hierarchy.

How far along up your needs are you? Where do you feel most "at home?"

Fun and Free (ish) With a Rant in the Middle

I love the views here!

 Many times in your life you will hear the old saying, "the best things in life are free," and you know what? It's absolutely true.

I am a little spoiled to live in a veritable paradise, I will admit, but island life does have its own set of downfalls. Will I dwell on it? Not usually. I find it much more pleasurable to remember the happy times and to enjoy the simple things. Sure the traffic on the waterfront may be atrocious, but the views are spectacular. You're stuck anyway so enjoy the scenery.

Regardless of geographical location, however, one should still be able to enjoy all the little things.
This past weekend, I was lucky enough to go with a friend for a little ride around the island. Well, we covered the WHOLE island, but it's not very big. What was so special about a day cruising? The scenery was spectacular as always and it's easy to forget that. It the whole not seeing the forest for the trees. Yes, some of the houses are wrecks; yes, there is litter (which maddens me, but baby steps help); yes, there are strays; too many power lines; bad crime... whatever! When you just step back and take a good look, as a whole, it's amazing and beautiful.


Yes, I can spend time dwelling on the bad, but there is already so much of it in the media. NEWSFLASH: Politicians were never honest, not even in "your day." Crime was always bad: it was just usually across racial lines and "back then" it was okay to beat up coloreds, communists, Jews, fags, cripples, women, spics and what have you. You know, all the people with no rights so they couldn't really call the police anyway? Don't pretend it wasn't true.



Fighting with pirate statues.



Now that I made my statement for all the elderlies reading my blog.... glad I got that off my chest... let's get down to the point! ENJOY THINGS!

nifty vest

Yes, enjoy. I had so much fun just seeing the island from a slightly different vantage point. I enjoyed playing with bubbles and scoping the scenery and watching the pavement zip past and feeling the wind in my fingers and having easy conversation. I liked pretending I was a tourist and then freaking out. I enjoyed seeing the flowers and butterflies. I had FUN. It was great. I got some sun. I had a big ole grin on my face. It was free (ish)... gas did need to be bought. I didn't drink, I didn't need to spend all kinds of money, I didn't need a bunch of fancy things to do it. It was nice.

Plus I got to wear this nifty vest for a second. Shhhhh....

A Very Appropriate DailyOM...

I am  a dork and receive the DailyOM every day in my inbox. I have found quite a few gems in there and today's was one of them. I figured I would repost it. It is called "Recharging Your Batteries."

Our natural state of being is vibrant, happy to be alive. Yet, there can be times when we feel run down and worn out. This does not mean that we are lazy or unfit for the tasks in our lives; it means that we need to recharge our batteries and find a way of keeping them charged. Vitamins and extra rest can be very helpful in restoring our physical bodies. And if we are willing to delve deeper, we may discover that there is an underlying cause for our exhaustion.


Whenever you are feeling run down, take an honest look at how you have been thinking, feeling and acting. You will likely find a belief, behavior pattern or even a relationship that is out of alignment with who you really are. Perhaps you believe you have to be perfect at everything or you have been bending over backwards to get people to like you. Maybe you are dealing with mild depression or simply have too much on your plate right now. There may also be people or situations in your life which are draining your energy. Once you get clear on the root cause, you can weed it out and better direct your flow of energy in the future.

In time, you might notice that the reasons you feel run down have less to do with how much you are doing and more to do with the fact that in your heart, you would rather be doing something else entirely. From now on, try and listen to what your heart really wants. It may take meditation, or just a moment of silent tuning in to gain the clarity you need, but it is well worth the effort. When you know what you truly want to do, and honor that in all situations, you will find that getting run down is a thing of the past.

I really enjoyed this today.

Why I'm Really Excited Today

I received stickers in the mail. Not just ANY stickers. Oh no. These are better. One was actually a box of 1000 UncovereD stickers. Yay band swag! The other I received from the Union of Concerned Scientists and simply says, "got science?" I would post pictures, but I don't have my USB cable at work today. *sigh* Still. Stickers make me happy.

Another reason for my excitement? New glasses. Two pairs. Transition. Yes. One is rhinstoney and nice and the other is red leopard print. Double yes.

What made you happy today?

Rockstar Moments

Sometimes I really love pretending I'm a rockstar. Sure we are a little local coverband with really big sound, but I still feel like I'm free to do what I want while on stage. It makes me feel like I can overcome anything.

You have to understand: I have terrible stage fright. It's part of the reason I am so obsessed with karaoke. Helped me get over it a bit. Having a band behind you helps a lot. I know that if at any moment I lose my way, the guys are right there to point me in the right direction. We really are a team. The feeling you get when everything works out is fantastic, too.

That is the rockstar moment.

The feeling you get when all the work you did paid off. Whether it is playing on stage, climbing a mountain, teaching at an orphanage, winning a game, getting that account, realizing you are in love, running through a fountain, riding your first rollercoaster, having a shark encounter, finishing a really great book, finding that perfect shade of red lipstick, watching your best friend marry: these are all rockstar moments.

Have you had any rockstar moments lately?


Photo of UncovereD by Jeff Lange, 2010.

Fast Forward

Sometimes things go horribly wrong. Really. Just plain bad. At certain times I feel like I just want to skip ahead to the good stuff. A few people in my life are having a rough time of it and it is unintentionally affecting me as well. I wish I knew with certainty that it will all get better, but I don't. What I do know is that I will continue to support in any way possible. It is all I can and will do. Even if we did skip ahead to the fancy job and the stable relationship, what good would it really do? Part of being wounded is the scar tissue that builds. A little tougher than normal, more resilient. I think this "toughness" is worth it. While I would love everything to be fun and sunny for all, the reality is we need those tough times to appreciate the good times more. It helps keep things in perspective.

I can't save everyone (even though I try at my own expense quite a bit) but I can help them see that even though it seems hopeless, a lot of that emotion is emanating from you. As hokey and superficial as it sounds, we truly are our own worst enemies and if I can help someone else realize that, it was worth it. I just want everyone to be happy. The anger and bitterness is unnecessary. I saw a really good post on Facebook the other day. "Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it is more like a single coin: you only get one, so spend it wisely." Too true!

In the words of the Dalai Lama, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

What keeps you grounded?