An Attempt at Pattern Interruption

bumble bee on a sunflower

I am finding harder and harder to breathe at the moment, so I am attempting to interrupt myself. Apparently my train of logic right now is completely distorted. I don't feel like it is, but it must be because I am in a highly elevated state of emotion and am feeling frenzied. Since I am attempting to change what I have been thinking about, I am going to post pretty pictures of flowers. Flowers with bugs and the like.

Every morning when I get to the place I am getting treatment (and some learnin'!), I wander the gardens and take pictures of the lovely plants. Sometimes I just sit and watch the bugs buzz around, the plants sway in the breeze, the way the sunlight bounces off the leaves....


Here's to hoping it helps.

bug on milkweed

pretty blue

yum yum pepper

these have been eaten

just what it sounds like

hiding amongst the veggies

 

Feeling Home

This has been a heck of a year for me and last week didn't help. For those of you that do not already know, my house got burglarized. Kind of. Yes, some stuff was taken, but it felt like more of a vandalism. Things opened. Like an inventory was taken. Things like this normally don't bother me, but I don't have a whole lot left these days in the way of material things. I have very little and what is mine is just that: mine.

Fig. 1 The Hierarchy of Needs

Breaking into a car doesn't bother me, purse snatching even, as those are both deeply impersonal. To come into someones place of residence, though, knowing when they are not there, seeing photos, rummaging through personal belongings: that's invasive. I have had a hard enough time these past few months trying to feel like I have a place to call home and that was shattered. Abraham Maslow may have been onto something. My physiological needs are barely met- I am failing at the sleep thing and now my security feels insanely threatened. I miss my doggy. She made me feel safe.

So now I want a new home. Someplace where I feel secure, safe, healthy, and happy. A home isn't the walls or furnishings, it's how you feel when you are there. I feel at home in my art studio. I feel happy and at ease. I haven't felt home at the place I live except for when my two besties were there and we were cooking together. I have just felt like it was a place to shower and keep my clothes.

Fig. 2 Me and my besties

I am in dire need for shelter and having a home. I am working on it. I know I will be successful because even with all the chaos in my life, I have been happy with me for the first time in a long time. I like the person I have become and I know I can do this. For now, it's just scary and lonely but I am strong. Sort of having an inverse on the hierarchy.

How far along up your needs are you? Where do you feel most "at home?"

A Song and Dance

I honestly cannot believe it has been so long since I have posted anything anywhere! My life is in this bizarre state of flux and I am waiting for it to stabilize but right now I feel the desire to type. So I am. I started by thinking of how drastically my life has changed in the past few months when my posts started to die down. New living situation, new job, social revamp, new hairdo, missing my doggy... it has been insane. How I have managed to survive is beyond me.

Somehow through it all I managed to maintain my sanity. Well, I maintained what little of it I had to begin with. The holidays were a bit not what I expected, but it seems ok now that I am on the far side of things. I loaned my tree to a much deserving friend. I feel more like myself than I have in a while and more alone than I have in a while. I guess that is to be expected.

In the end, though, I am lucky. I still have my studio, although I seldom visit. I have a good paying job so I count my blessings there. I still have my health, although I am a bit sniffly now. I still get to play music with some pretty amazing (albeit occasionally drama infested) musicians. Aren't all bands drama? I guess I kind of like it though. Keeps me on my toes.

Speaking of toes, every time I say "my toes" I think of mitosis. It's the science geek in me. "Mitosis" cold! Ok... maybe I am the only one who thinks that is HILARIOUS, but I do. Like my super cool math shirt... if you have to explain it, it's not so funny. Oh well.

On to yet another tangent. I would really love it if someone, ANYONE, would give me some advice on some great recent albums to buy, I think the last time I bought an album the year it came out was "The Beekeeper" and I do have some (SOME) more recent ones than that, but I bought them like 2-3 years after the fact and I still have no clue what's current. What's good, guys? Give me some feedback. I need some ear candy badly. I am craving something different and new. Who better than an audience spread the world over

to give me something different to listen to, right? There is something really cool about listening to people tell you why they love such and such album. So much of music is how it speaks to a person and how it moves a person. It can be just the rhythm that gets you dancing or in a trance. It can be vocal harmonies that send shivers down one's spine. It can be a lyric that pierces your very soul. Whatever it is, I want to hear it. Really.

Anyway, this little note seems to state nothing of importance, and I am still trying to figure out why I posted this random picture, so what is new and exciting with you?

Stupidity Unleashed

I wish there was some way I could capture the essence of stupid. Use it when I want to just not think about things all the time. Unleash it and leave people a bumbling mess of drool and incoherent speech patterns. In a recent stint of stupidity I had, I left something dear to me somewhere unknown. I thought and looked and frustrated myself beyond all help. Then it hit me. Like a ton of feathers (still weigh a ton, but more tickley). It was right where I left it. Really obvious. My soul almost melted away.

Ah, the stupid.
At least it isn't contagious.

The Confusion of Speech

I know I may not be the most eloquent person in the world. I also have the tendency to not be able to filter adequately the things that pop out of my mouth. Part of it is there is so much going on in my noisy brain that I can't keep it all in and part of it is mostly I am not even talking to the people around me but having a running dialogue with myself. Obviously this leads to a lot of fights and confusion on my part and leaves me with a small group of friends. The worst of all of this is my stupid lack of gray area in anything pertaining to opinion.

I never feel "okay" with anything. I either greatly like (love, become obsessed with) or strongly dislike (more like hate, loathe, despise) things. There isn't a whole lot of things I am just so-so about. I don't know why. Because of this, people think I am volatile and maybe I am. I just don't think I am in the way people think. If I feel like I am doing something stupid and state "this is stupid," I don't want people to tell me that I am wrong or try to build up my confidence. I just want you to agree. Why you should ever agree with someone telling themselves that they suck is beyond me, but I have the tendency to blow up if things go otherwise. I have tried really hard to work on this, but I can't seem to change my evil ways. Maybe it is because unless I know something is really wrong that will be the only way I will fix it. If you say it's all okay, then why improve at all?

This often leads to many bouts miscommunication in my life and for that I am eternally apologetic. I then end up overly apologetic and this grates people even more. I hate when things get lost in translation, but I wish there were some way to explain to people how my brain worked. I hate arguing with people. I always feel guilty afterward because I know it's my fault in the end. I wish there were a way we could all communicate on the same level of understanding, but because of different past experiences and levels of comprehension, this is usually easier said than done. That is part of the reason I wrote this post. Occasionally I seem to be better at getting my point across in written word. It forces me to stay focused and I feel like just for a moment, I can't get interrupted and the responses I get I have to treat with the same respect. I know it isn't easy to deal with people like me, but maybe this helps. I don't really know.

How do you deal with miscommunication? Do you find writing letters to help?

The One Ring

The exhaustion is coming again. I should be painting, but I am blogging. It is my zen moment. Odd, isn't it? I'm trying to curb the sleepiness with diet Monster beverages. I have designs swimming in my head. Maybe I need to go for a walk or something.

I lost my wedding band in my car earlier in the week. Two days ago, really. I spent all yesterday in tears and going through my car with a fine toothed comb. I even had a friend come help me out. My car is a disaster. There is enough sand in my car to start my own beach. We go to the beach a lot. There is only one car wash in my vicinity on island (you know, with the giant shop-vacs) and it's across the street from a whore-house. I don't go a lot. So my car is a portable sand box. It happens.

Well, I didn't find it combing through the car. I went to pick up the hubs, friend still in tow, and we pulled over to grab some snacks at a gourmet grocers. Nick, my tall husband, rubbed his head in frustration that I hadn't found my ring. His hand bumped the roof. Guess what he felt. Yup. My ring. I have a really ghetto car— we call them island rides here, for the record- and the fabric on the roof is saggy. I don't know how it ended up in there and I honestly don't care. I NEVER would have looked there. It was a serendipitous head rubbing. I have my ring back.

My band where it needs to be. Woot!

No Excuses

I haven't posted anything on any of my blogs in a week. I am sorry. Part of it is I have been lazy and mopey, and part of it is I have been trying to get things together for season. Really, at the end of the day, I am a bit mad at myself for it. I am usually better at forcing myself to do something. I haven't even logged on to any social networking sites (gasp!) or read any science news (double gasp!). I always read science news! Oh well. Such is life, right? Sorry. I will return you to your regularly scheduled program soon!

The Dinner You Wish You Saw

I made really delicious salmon (approved by my Seafood Watch guide, of course) last night. It was with a soy-chipotle-maple glaze that I made served with pineapple rice. I wish I could have taken a picture. I mean, I probably could have taken a cellphone picture, but it would not have done it justice. I really need a digital camera. How am I supposed to ever open an Etsy (or other) shop online if I have no digital photos? It's not like I'm super broke and can't get one. The problem is... well...

...I'm picky. I don't want a cute little pink point and click. I think that a lot of the photography that we see as good nowadays has absolutely no skill involved. I instead use a 35mm camera that is to die for. It takes the most amazing pictures. And you actually have to know how to adjust the appature settings. You have to know how to focus your lense. You can't delete the bad ones. So I am a glutton for punishment. There are some AMAZING digital cameras out there. All the ones I want are easily $2k. Feel free to faint. I don't want a cutesy one... although I am sure it would work just fine. I am also afraid that if I get a digital camera, I won't be able to take good pictures. I will get lazy and take 1000 and delete the bad ones. I will doctor things on my photo software. The really nice ones do EVERYTHING for you. I would turn into a lazy brain with pretty shots and no real skill.

But I need a cheap one. Like now. I would be able to show you the absolutely yummy dinner I had. You would drool. We could call it a day. But no. I have to have standards.

Since when does Mimi have standards? Some of my best work is on notebook paper. I wear clothes I have owned for 13 years. My car is a rust spot with a motor. But NOOOOO... can't get the cheapo camera. It's really too bad. You would have enjoyed how beautiful my glaze came out. Even my husband was impressed. And the TASTE! That says a lot coming from him. Instead, I am looking for negative scanners for my computer. My film camera would have done dinner justice. Stupid stupid Mimi.