Some Music: Jeff Buckley

I am a pretty big fan. His music makes me happy and sad and frustrated and that whole big gambit of emotions only real artists can make you feel and something I work on a LOT. He died in 1997 in a drowning accident when he was only 31 years old. You can find out more about this amazing musician here.

This particular song speaks volumes to me. It's called "Lover, You Should Have Come Over" and is one I have never played out but play for myself a lot. It's too sad for me. There is a line that gets me every time : It's never over, a kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder. I love good songwriters. The lyrics follow the fold.

An Attempt at Pattern Interruption

bumble bee on a sunflower

I am finding harder and harder to breathe at the moment, so I am attempting to interrupt myself. Apparently my train of logic right now is completely distorted. I don't feel like it is, but it must be because I am in a highly elevated state of emotion and am feeling frenzied. Since I am attempting to change what I have been thinking about, I am going to post pretty pictures of flowers. Flowers with bugs and the like.

Every morning when I get to the place I am getting treatment (and some learnin'!), I wander the gardens and take pictures of the lovely plants. Sometimes I just sit and watch the bugs buzz around, the plants sway in the breeze, the way the sunlight bounces off the leaves....


Here's to hoping it helps.

bug on milkweed

pretty blue

yum yum pepper

these have been eaten

just what it sounds like

hiding amongst the veggies

 

A Tiny Bit of Serenity

Drizzly garden fun.

This day was not an easy one. A bit emotionally taxing, if you will. Decidedly so. One of the nicer parts of being here, however, are the cute little tiny gardens everywhere. This is the organic vegetable garden. I didn't get shots of the goodies in the garden, but will soon.

I was wandering around trying to quiet my head and am so glad I did. This has all been really hard but fruitful, but... well, hard. The green spaces make it for me, though. A lot. Knowing that I can always find a bench or seat somewhere amidst the buzzing bees, butterflies, and humming birds while surrounded by plants and flowers is so important to me. I value outdoor spaces. I need to feel connected and rooted in that way. It feels very right. It may not be a cure all by any means, but does it ever help! Just the little bit of reprise I get from the people and walls are so beneficial to me.

Where do you find your serenity?

Head Change and Bad Psychotherapy

So many of you may have wondered where I went off to and why... and some of you may not have noticed at all. Good.


Good thing about where I am and what I am doing is I am learning a lot. A LOT! My happiness is something that I never take for granted. I look for happiness in very simple places and allow simple things to bring me joy. I don't always get the results I want, but it isn't for lack of effort. In fact, it is mainly due to weird messed up chemicals in my head. Things may be going great and nothing is wrong, but lo! I am crying! What the hell?

In case you missed the memo: yours truly is bipolar. It is an illness like any other. Some days I feel fine. Other days I feel like death. Like diabetes, I can do certain things to control it as much as possible, but every now and then things decide to go haywire without warning and that is that. It is what it is.

So where was I going with this? Oh yeah... I am on a retreat, of sorts. Trying something out. There are lots of classes involved. I like it so far.

First thing I learned: no one is allowed to devalue your emotions. They are a completely personal and subjective state. What is important to one, may not be to another... but no one has the right to say how you feel is silly or worthless. At all. Our life experiences, our values, our beliefs and thought processes are unique to us as individuals and help mold our responses to things. If someone tries to tell you that how you feel or believe is wrong: they're wrong. Find someone else to talk to and if it is a psychotherapist: hire someone else fast.

It is true that perhaps our reasoning may be flawed, but how we feel is just that. Helping someone talk out why they feel that way or discovering that the heightened sense of emotion may be irrational to a degree, but you aren't wrong for feeling. It isn't silly or ridiculous. How you REACT to those feelings may be wrong, but the feeling itself is a unique and personal experience and only you know why you feel the way you do.

In my case, sometimes I feel for no reason at all. Even that isn't a silly reason. It is still a very real emotional state.

Remember that next time you and your friends are having a disagreement. Unless the disagreement is based on SOLID evidence (i.e. the year Marylin Monroe was born), or a moral/legal issue (like drug use), it may just be a battle of feelings hurt.You both may feel that you are right emotionally, but it is just that. An emotion. Don't take that away from the other person. It is what makes us human (even though I am one of those weirdos that think animals convey emotion well, too). Even if you agree to disagree, at no point are you okay to lessen someone else's emotional response.

That is all for today. I think I just need to chronicle my learning and recovery so that I don't forget it. Teaching is the best way of learning for someone like me. Smile!