Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Island Fever in a Bad Way
Right now I feel utterly out of place. How anyone can feel out of place in their own home is completely beyond me, but there it is. I don't feel like being here. I don't feel motivated to do anything around the house. I feel stifled. I need an adventure. I need to spend me time in nature FAR from here. The picture left, for example, is somewhere in Colorado. If you aren't a reader of my other blog, "here" is the Virgin Islands. I know, I know... how can I bitch, right? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live. A lot. I just feel as though I am in a rut. I know logically that it is all nonsense and all is good with the world. I have a supportive husband and the coolest dog ever. I just feel enclosed. I feel trapped. I feel like everything is too tight and I want to rip it all off and run. I think most people refer to this as Island Fever.
The sad part is I haven't even been here for the past two months. I spent two months in Florida helping out Mom only to come back. I was planning on moving. I didn't. I have no job now because it's super slow season in St. Thomas and I left the cool job I had to help Mom with the intention of staying and came back to nothing. They can't take me back because they aren't even open half the time now. I can't just go explore because there isn't much left. The island is only 13 miles long. I am not good at feeling trapped. I want to run away, but am not sure where to run away.
Besides, my dog would get sad. So would my husband. But right now, at this very moment, I want to be standing on the edge of a box canyon in southern Utah. I want to climb to the top of a waterfall. I want to go hang-gliding in the rain forest (which is awesome by the way). SOMETHING. Obviously I am not afraid of heights. I just realized that all of those required being VERY high up! No wonder my hubby thinks I'm nuts. He is super acrophobic. Well not as super as he used to be. He is definitely making leaps and bounds on the fear of heights thing. If I could just figure out his secret so I could figure out how to rid myself of the fear of roaches. I digress.
Pretty much, I just need to explore. If I am stuck not learning-teaching-experiencing for any extended period of time, it is time to go. There are other things I could be seeing, different people to meet and learn from, animals to see. I feel like a hyper puppy locked in a kennel, a wild mustang in a stall.
I want to see wild mustangs. I want to go back to Wyoming. Did you see that picture of the hubs there with the alpine lake at the top of the world? Yeah. That place. I want to raise a chicken. I think it would be fun. I want to see the Black Hills, go fishing in an alpine lake, and learn to ride a motorcycle. I am a student. I will be eternally. If I am not learning anything, I'm not progressing. That depresses me more than anything. Learning is the only thing I'm good at and just reading stuff doesn't help. I am a tactile and experience-based learner. I feel lost without stimulation. maybe I just need a vacation, but I'm broke and I can't really drive anywhere. Again, small island. I'm just antsy.
Have you ever felt that way? What do you do when you feel that way?