Friday, February 12, 2010

The Confusion of Speech

I know I may not be the most eloquent person in the world. I also have the tendency to not be able to filter adequately the things that pop out of my mouth. Part of it is there is so much going on in my noisy brain that I can't keep it all in and part of it is mostly I am not even talking to the people around me but having a running dialogue with myself. Obviously this leads to a lot of fights and confusion on my part and leaves me with a small group of friends. The worst of all of this is my stupid lack of gray area in anything pertaining to opinion.

I never feel "okay" with anything. I either greatly like (love, become obsessed with) or strongly dislike (more like hate, loathe, despise) things. There isn't a whole lot of things I am just so-so about. I don't know why. Because of this, people think I am volatile and maybe I am. I just don't think I am in the way people think. If I feel like I am doing something stupid and state "this is stupid," I don't want people to tell me that I am wrong or try to build up my confidence. I just want you to agree. Why you should ever agree with someone telling themselves that they suck is beyond me, but I have the tendency to blow up if things go otherwise. I have tried really hard to work on this, but I can't seem to change my evil ways. Maybe it is because unless I know something is really wrong that will be the only way I will fix it. If you say it's all okay, then why improve at all?

This often leads to many bouts miscommunication in my life and for that I am eternally apologetic. I then end up overly apologetic and this grates people even more. I hate when things get lost in translation, but I wish there were some way to explain to people how my brain worked. I hate arguing with people. I always feel guilty afterward because I know it's my fault in the end. I wish there were a way we could all communicate on the same level of understanding, but because of different past experiences and levels of comprehension, this is usually easier said than done. That is part of the reason I wrote this post. Occasionally I seem to be better at getting my point across in written word. It forces me to stay focused and I feel like just for a moment, I can't get interrupted and the responses I get I have to treat with the same respect. I know it isn't easy to deal with people like me, but maybe this helps. I don't really know.

How do you deal with miscommunication? Do you find writing letters to help?

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Aleesha said...

Writing is the only way i communicate fully. If I talk first I always fuck it up. Writing gives you the chance to slow down and think it over for a bit. I too lack a decent 'filter'.

Mimi said...

Ah, and that is why I love you, I suppose. Writing seems to be the only way I can get my point across without sounding like a complete ass.

The Grown-Up Child said...

For me, as with most bloggers I would guess, writing is utterly helpful.

But your middle paragraph rings especially true for me. I as well think I may be volatile. There is not much middle ground. And yet that is only directed inward, for with others I am able to see many shades of gray. I am outwardly tolerant. Yet inwardly volatile. Is that even possible?

Bailey Jane said...

I truly believe that writing one's feelings and thoughts is a very pure form of therapy. That's why journals/diaries/blogs can be such a positive way to deal with a troublesome internal situation. But I find that if I'm ANGRY and write something, it should be saved as a DRAFT before going ahead and publishing (if you will) because angry writing can be just as volatile and spontaneous as verbal expression. My father happens to be a master of this. He uses sarcasm in print, which is very hard to decipher and it mostly comes across as him being a prick. It's only at the age of 28 that I'm beginning to realize this. Ha! I'm glad I found your blog. You're a wonderful writer! And I have yet to visit the Butterfly Farm here on St. Thomas after living here for a year and a half! What the...??